Shaman King in Fifteen Minutes!
by ShatteredLyre
Summary: Or how SK is actually the product of severely bored high schoolers who needed to BS an assignment. "What if we all existed in an alternate universe? And instead of being boring students, we were something cool...like shamans?" Ren snorted. "Yeah, right."


**SK in Fifteen Minutes**

* * *

_The world is plunging into darkness._

_Chaos and anarchy are sweeping the land._

_Those we thought we could trust have disappeared._

_We have only one hope left, a singular light that will stand against the wave of evil threatening us all, a hero._

_Asakura Yoh._

"Holy shit, is that a spider? Kill it, Anna, kill it!"

Horohoro smacked Yoh across the back of his head. "What the fuck, Yoh? How am I supposed to make you seem all heroic and stuff when you're acting like a total bitch?"

Yoh shrugged, reverting back to his usual calm demeanor, and crept out from behind Anna who had handily disposed of the arachnid. "So sue me for not liking spiders. And what's with the intense, manly voiceover?"

"Ugh, I need to bullshit some idea for my creative writing assignment," Horohoro groaned. "What did I do in my past life for this to be happening to me?"

"Because you opted to sign up for creative writing instead of something easier," Ren drawled. "Like steel drums. Or social dance. Anyways, can you please finish your assignment already so we can leave?"

"Leave? We all come over to Yoh's house to do homework everyday anyways!"

"Shut up already and think!" Anna snapped. "You're giving me a headache."

Horohoro rolled his eyes. "Yes, my queen." He flopped onto Yoh's bed and stared at the ceiling. "Wouldn't it be weird if we all existed in an alternate universe? And instead of being just normal high schoolers, we were something way more awesome?"

"Like what?" Lyserg piped up.

Horohoro closed his eyes. "I dunno. Like pirates. Or ninjas. Or super saiyans. Or...shamans or...something. Just something else besides our boring lives."

"Shamans? Like the shamans we learned about in history the other day?" Manta said.

"You _would_ remember that, Oyamada," Horohoro said dryly. "Yeah, I could totally see everyone here as a shaman. Except Manta. Because he's lame. And Pirika. Because she's even lamer."

"Shut up, Horo!" Pirika yelled, launching a pillow at her brother.

"Yoh would be some kind of leader. But he'd have to work for it of course since he's so lazy," Horohoro continued, relocating to the computer chair to save himself from his sister's wrath.

"But then again, he has Anna to whip him into shape," Lyserg pointed out.

"Excuse me, why would I help him out?" Anna fired back.

"Because you two are practically _engaged_," Ren interjected.

"Because you guys are destined to be together," Pirika sighed dreamily. Tamao, who had entered the room to serve them drinks, nearly dropped her tray and visibly stiffened.

Anna pretended to throw up. "Ew. Just because we pretended to get married when we were four years old does _not_ mean we're fated to be together for the rest of our lives."

Tamao looked relieved and then exited the room, sighing as she went.

"Feh, fine. In my story though, you guys would be in an arranged marriage then. So you _have_ to get married." Horohoro rubbed his hands together deviously.

"And what makes you think I'd consent to _that_?" Anna sniffed.

"Alright then. You guys got engaged when you were like ten years old or something so you wouldn't even know what you were agreeing to," Horohoro said dismissively. "And what's up with your maid, dude? She always acts really weird whenever we're around."

Yoh shrugged. "Tamao's just really shy."

Ren snorted. "Maybe in Horohoro's alternate universe she doesn't talk at all."

"Then how would she communicate with us?" Manta wondered aloud.

"With that ouji board she's always carrying around maybe. She could just point to the letters," Lyserg proposed.

"Does she really use a ouji board?" Pirika whispered so that Tamao couldn't hear here from the next room over.

Yoh nodded. "Well, the village she came from...they strongly believe in psychic powers and superstition and stuff so...yeah..."

"Another thing I can use for my story!" Horohoro exclaimed. "Keep 'em coming, guys!" He began typing on the Word document that had been blank ever since they all had arrived at Yoh's house.

"You can't use our ideas for your story. If you do, I'll report you for plagiarism," Anna said quickly.

Horohoro glared at her before turning to Yoh. "Are you sure your fiancee's not secretly a demon? I think she is. I'm making you a demon in my story, ice queen."

"I'm not his fiancee!" Anna yelled.

Yoh stared at her incredulously. "_That's_ what you're complaining about? Not how he's calling you a demon or an ice queen but you're contesting his claim that you're my fiancee?" Yoh frowned. "That doesn't hurt at all..."

Ren's phone began ringing before Anna could answer back.

"Aren't you going to pick that up?" Manta asked timidly.

Ren rolled his eyes. "No."

"Let me guess. It's your father," Lyserg said playfully.

"Do you _want_ to die?"

"Hey, Ren, your daddy issues can be part of my story! Oh and your sister can be in it too...'cause she's really hot. She can totally work a Chun-Li kinda outfit...minus the sleeves. Or she can just use the dress she has to wear when she's playing hostess at your family's huge restaurant...except make it more low cut with a really high slit and her weapons can be stashed in a sash around her upper thigh so that she'll have to lift up her skirt every time-"

"I will impale your fucking skull with a pencil if you don't shut up about my sister in the next two seconds," Ren said rather mechanically. "Go back to Hokkaido, dumbass."

"Go back to China, communist," Horohoro shot back.

"How many times do I have to tell you that not everyone in China is a communist!" Ren scowled.

"Isn't she dating that action star who was pretty big back in the day? What's his name...Pailong?" Pirika mused out loud.

"Ah, that's right...I need to take care of that. He'll be dead in the story."

"Jun will chop your head off if she finds out you killed Pailong in your story..." Ren warned.

"Jeez, what's with your family and wanting to inflict damage to my head in various ways?" Horohoro whined. "Fine, he'll be dead-ish but still alive...like a zombie except...not..."

"An animated corpse?" Manta suggested.

"Perfect!"

"I'm home!" Hao's voice echoed through the hallway.

Everyone groaned. "Oh great..."

"Hey, maybe he can help with the story! I'm sure he has tons of ideas," Horohoro said.

"Yeah, maybe if you want to hear how he had a threesome last night or how he set a building on fire or how he had a threesome while setting a building on fire," Anna said sourly.

"Hah, I should write in some convoluted, vague sexual tension between you and Hao," Horohoro laughed.

"Why the hell would you do that?" Anna asked while Yoh reddened.

"Well, ever since you guys broke up...hmm were you guys ever even together? That thing you had was really complicated and weird..." Pirika said.

Anna shot her a withering glare. "Thanks," she responded acerbically.

"Not that it matters since you've found Yoh, your true love!" Pirika exclaimed happily.

"You people are just outright-"

"You called?" Hao asked appearing at the doorway.

Manta blinked. "No one called for you..."

"I heard 'Hao' and 'sexual tension' used in the same sentence. That's more than enough of an invitation for me to join you," Hao explained.

"How classy," Anna growled.

"If he's staying here, I'm leaving," Lyserg said abruptly.

A collective chorus of groans resounded throughout the room. "Stop being such a drama queen," Ren ordered. "That's Ryu's job," he added as an afterthought.

"Whoa, I totally forgot about your intense hatred and rivalry you got going on with Hao," Horohoro said. "That's definitely going in the story."

"Wouldn't you hate someone if they told you they banged your mother on a daily basis?" Lyserg demanded.

Horohoro shrugged. "I do that to Ren on a daily basis. Watch. Hey Tao, I banged your mom _and _your sister at the same time yesterday!"

"Hmph," Ren responded. "Hilarious. Well, I made out with your sister."

Horohoro blinked. "That's all you got? Seriously Ren, I expected better from you since-"

"No. Seriously. I made out. With your sister."

The entire room went silent.

"The sad part is that I can't tell if he's being serious or not," Anna said to no one in particular.

"What the hell, Ren?" Pirika screeched.

"We're talking about this later. For now, I'm not going to even let you guys speak a single word to each other in my story," Horohoro said from behind clenched teeth as he furiously typed away. "And Lyserg, your reason for hating Hao is lame."

"He told the whole school that! And he locks me in the girl's bathroom all the time," Lyserg protested.

"No, shut up. And you do look like a girl. In the story, he killed your parents-"

Hao flicked open his lighter and got out a cigarette as he sauntered out of the room.

"-by setting them on fire."

Lyserg blanched. "What the fuck?"

Horohoro frowned. "You'll also be super polite."

Yoh laughed. "This is a pretty cool story so far. It'd be a good book!"

Horohoro brightened. "Really?"

Anna kicked him in the shin. "Don't get your hopes up. It sounds stupid so far."

Yoh shrugged. "I'd read it."

"If Hao's going to be in the story, you have to make him the bad guy!" Lyserg demanded, leaning over Horohoro to type. "He'll be pure evil," he muttered.

"God, you're such a whiny bitch. You're not going to appeal to the readers...Holy crap, you have a twisted mind. You're going to make him _this_ evil?"

Lyserg read over his work before sitting back, quite satisfied. "Yes."

"No wonder you get along with Jeanne so well," Horohoro said. "You both hate Hao so much."

"She doesn't condone his promiscuous behavior. Or the fact he smokes so much," Lyserg stated.

"Are you going to write Jeanne into the story?" Pirika asked.

"How would one write about a twelve year old nun in training? Sounds pretty boring to me," Anna said mindlessly as she switched on the television, watching a trailer for an old episode of _Saint Tail_ before changing the channel.

Yoh sighed. "You and your soap operas..."

"Why, do you have a problem with soap operas?" Anna asked dangerously. "Too bad you'll have to put up with them on a daily basis when we get married!"

Pirika jumped to her feet and pointed an accusing finger at Anna. "Aha! So you do admit it!"

"I dunno. If I put Jeanne into the story it'd be definite jailbait material-"

"What?" Lyserg's eyes narrowed.

Horohoro heaved a heavy sigh. "Dude. Just look at her! I might as well lock her away and slap a chastity belt on her to prevent those weirdo sick fanboys from writing perverted fanfiction about her." Horohoro's face darkened. "Or worse, draw creepy pictures of her."

Lyserg spluttered while Anna snorted. "So now you're not only saying that your story will be turned into a book, but that it'll be so popular that people will be drawing fanart and writing fanfiction about it too?"

Horohoro looked at her blankly. "Uh...duh. And it'll also be so successful that it'll be turned into an ongoing TV series." He stroked his chin thoughtfully. "But then the series will most likely be extremely lame because they always change hire super jacked up actors that don't match the characters at all."

Ren yawned. "Or worse, they completely change the storyline, introduce annoying, unnecessary characters that don't appear in your original story in a vain attempt at pairing everyone up and making it seem canon, and write in mundane side stories as filler episodes."

Horohoro nodded. "Too true, too true. Anyways, what should I do about Jeanne?"

"Easy, lock her in a casket," Anna said nonchalantly.

Manta whipped out his encyclopedia. "An iron maiden?" he offered helpfully.

"What the hell is wrong with you people?" Lyserg demanded.

"So what else should I write about?" Horohoro spun around in the computer chair several times.

"The BoZ brothers?" Yoh asked.

Ren raised an eyebrow. "Those two homeless bums that play the guitar in the subway?"

"Hey, they just pick weird places for their concerts!" Yoh said defensively. "It's to be ironic."

"Ryu, maybe?" Manta offered.

Horohoro snorted. "The guy who used to pick on us all the time before he got kicked out of school for participating in gang related activities?"

Manta shrugged. "Well, the sushi bar he's running now is half-decent..."

"What about Kanna, Mari, and Macchi?" Pirika asked.

"No!" Horohoro and Anna protested at the exact same time.

Pirika frowned. "Okay. One, Horohoro, just because all three of them won't even look at you when you're talking and they barely acknowledged your presence when they rejected your dating proposal-"

"Oh yeah, I'll write them as the three bitches that never seem to die...like cockroaches," Horohoro muttered.

"And two, Anna just because you have to waitress with them at the Funbari Onsen-"

Anna clenched her teeth in frustration. "They are Satan. Divided into three, equally evil parts. One day, I'll own the onsen and work them until they die."

"I'll incorporate in resurrection then," Horohoro offered.

Ren grimaced. "Uh, how about no?"

"And why not?" Horohoro demanded.

"Deus ex machina much?" Anna said sarcastically.

Yoh scratched the back of his head. "Heh, sorry, Horo but the story would probably be better off without resurrection. It gives a solution to every problem and plot twist you can come up with-"

"Aw, what do you guys know anyways..." Horohoro mumbled, typing away. "Anyways, I need a love interest."

Manta raised his hand. "Um, don't you already-"

"Silence!" Horohoro said abruptly. "I need to think."

Yoh frowned. "But you have-"

"You guys!"

Anna rolled her eyes. "Dumbass, you already have a girlfriend."

He looked at her blankly. "I do?"

"What the hell, Horohoro?" screeched a voice from the computer.

Anna nodded. "Yes, and you've been videochatting with her the entire time."

"Oh." He looked at the computer screen. "Hey, Damuko. Sorry but I'm breaking up with you."

"What?" she demanded. "How can you just-"

"Everyone knows that quiet, pretty, demure love interests are out and that perky, bubbly and sometimes sadistic girls are in." He waved at the camera before exiting out of the chat. "Bye."

"Did you seriously forget about Damuko?" Lyserg asked uneasily.

"Eh. Whatever, she was boring anyways. I think I asked her out as an afterthought in the first place." He grinned. "Don't worry, it's not like I'll suddenly introduce her after two hundred chapters or something into the story. That will look like a desperate attempt at making my book longer."

Pirika frowned. "Horo...your story seems overtly sexist."

"It is _not_!" he howled, whirling around and facing her.

"You have a ton of male characters while you barely have any female characters in it. The ones that you _have _written in are simply supporting characters or family members of the main characters. The only remotely strong and independent female you have in there is Anna and no matter if she loves Yoh, she was still forced by authority to engage in an arranged marriage," she pointed out, playing around with her textbook _So You Want to Major in Women's Issues in College_.

"Silence! Anyways, no one will care because the demographic audience I'm targeting are pre-teen and early teenage boys."

Anna snorted. "I'm surprised you know the word 'demographic,' dumbass." She examined her nails. "But back on topic, Pirika brings up a point. You _have_ no perky, bubbly and sometimes sadistic girls in your story thus far to serve as your love interest."

Lyserg raised a finger. "Well, there is one..." He lowered his finger until he was pointing at Pirika.

The entire room went quiet. "What the hell, Lyserg? That's just _sick_! You sick sicko! Ugh, talk about incest!" Horohoro stuck his tongue out while his sister turned a faint shade of green.

"Hmph, the next thing you'll be saying is that Yoh and Hao should have a steamy love scene together," Anna said a bit too enthusiastically.

Ren studied Lyserg. "I'm open minded and all but I'm not really into incest. Or twincest in the case of Yoh and Hao."

"There's a _term_ for that?" Yoh blanched.

Pirika shuddered before regaining a thoughtful look on her face. "You know though, since you have an overabundance of male characters, if your story does get picked up, then most of your fans will probably ship yaoi couples..."

Horohoro cocked his head to the side. "Yaoi? What's that?"

"Guy on guy," Anna said easily. "And given your dynamic with Ren, most fans will probably ship you and the Tao boy."

"Don't mind me...I'll just be hyperventilating...trying not to pass out..." Horohoro said weakly.

Pirika crossed her arms in front of herself. "Big brother! Stop it. You know, some yaoi couples make a lot more sense than straight ones!"

"Yeah, like I'd take a yaoi couple over some crack pairing that doesn't even make any logical sense...like Ren/Jeanne," Anna drawled.

"The nun girl and I?" Ren snorted. "Are you tripping acid or something, Kyoyama? That's the most random thing I've ever heard of."

Pirika raised an eyebrow. "Ren/Jeanne? Are you serious, Anna? You'll lose a whole lot of your readership if you pull some stunt like that, Horo." She shook her head. "Anyways, they're a whole lot better than fans coming up with OCs...or original characters..."

"You mean Mary Sues? Those are the worst..." Lyserg scrunched up his nose. "I mean, normal OCs are fine but Mary Sues are a whole different ball game..."

Horohoro began looking healthy again. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. Anyways, it looks like I'm just about done with this. Thanks, guys!"

"You know, it wasn't actually due..." Pirika said slowly. "We had a substitute teacher today."

"What the hell, Pirika! What's the point of you having creative writing a day before I do if you're not going to tell me things like that!" Horohoro groaned.

"Oh stop whining. Anyways, you can turn it in early if you want. That's what Chocolove McDonnell did. I saw him talking to the sub after class about his story...something about himself and this guy named Orona and a jaguar named Mic or something," she said dismissively.

"Chocolove? The exchange student from New York?" Horohoro asked. "Huh. Whatever. Anyways, what do you end up doing in class then?"

Pirika waved her hand. "Ah, he spends nearly the whole period talking about how he's actually a struggling mangaka who just can't seem to come up with a good enough concept for his publishers and how he teaches to pay the bills or something."

Manta brightened up. "Hey, maybe your story will get picked up to be a manga!"

"Yeah, right." Horohoro shook his head. "Well, what's the sub's name?"

"Hiroyuki Takei."

* * *

**A/N**: and if in case you didn't know, Hiroyuki Takei is the mangaka who created _Shaman King_.

fun fact: I wrote this entire story on my ipod touch

Anyways, LOL DRAMATIC IRONY EVERYWHERE. and LOL YOH IS A HIPSTER. Please excuse the idiocy and the self-indulgence that is this story. However, I believe that every author has the right to have one and _only one_ crazy, ridiculous, pointless story. And for me, this fic is that story. I hope you had at least one laugh while reading this. This is how my friends and I interact (ie: the "your mom" jokes) which might explain why this fic is pretty much idiotic. This crackhead story was inspired by the following conversation.

My friend: You know what would be cool? If we were pirates.

Me: Yeah, that'd be pretty cool.

Friend: I should write a story for my stupid summer creative writing class about it. We'd travel the world and fight bad buys. I'd be the captain. And then there would be a hot mapmaker. And a badass swordsman. And a doctor. And then we'd compete with other ships to try to get to this really awesome treasure and-

Me: I stopped listening.

Friend: WTF WHY

Me: Because that's the storyline of _One Piece_ and you're plagiarizing it!

_You have signed off and are now offline_.

**Reviews make me happy and will motivate me to finally finish one of many serious, almost completely written one-shots I have sitting in my google notebook! So...Review! And I've posted 3 chapters of a completely new story (well, sort of...it's hard to explain) on my Livejournal!**

(Noticed how I skillfully avoided explaining why I haven't updated in a million years? Visit my LJ to catch up on what I've been doing and such)


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